Welcome back, my lovely little magazine-dwelling noses. I do apologize for the ridiculous delay in getting you the highly anticipated answers from resident hottie Normal, Trey Cambell. It seems our Sandblastwriter technician failed to show up for, oh, weeks.
Anyway, we’re back with Trey. Are you ready?
Trey: Let’s do it.
[Don’t get your hopes up, Clarissa. You’re far too plain] And I see the technician still hasn’t fixed our Sandblastwriter’s cheeky side. [Clarissa turns on the fake laugh. Heh, she thinks by giving me the evil eye that I’ll somehow shut up. I won’t.] Son of a sandbar. Oh, uh, sorry…question time!
Okay, this one comes from Mathilda in downtown Fairla. You alluded to a happy relationship between a Fairhair and Ravenflame. Did you mean Katrina and Troy, once upon a time?
Trey, smirking [he’s not buying Clarissa’s lame attempts to get the scoop]: Nope, sure didn’t. Really? You’ve had all this time to come up with a scheme to coax the info out of me and that’s all you came up with? Did you think I wouldn't do a little digging of my own? Mathilda’s your middle name.
[Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha] SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PIECE OF…er, yes, well…ya got me! [Insert fake laughing, which isn't fooling anyone because her seriously reddening cheeks are totally calling her out as a pissed off little reporter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!] I hate you and fully intend to petition for a removal of all Sandblastwriters. [Yeah, good luck with that]. Trey, will you at least tell us a little about the couple you speak of?
Trey: They’re in love and happy. What more do you need?
Trey: Not gonna happen.
Fine. We’ll turn to the mailbag...the legitimate mailbag. We have a question from Leah in Diagonal North Fairla: Trey, boxers or briefs? My, my! [Clarissa pretends to be embarrassed. Truth is, she’s dying to know the answer].
Trey, smiling slyly: Boxers…and, on occasion, commando. I don’t like to feel restricted.
Well, no, I mean, why would you, right? [Idiotic laughing from Clarissa] And today you’d be rocking which look?
OH MY POSEIDON! Are you really? Oh…that’s…just…YEAH. [The drooling is getting worse. She needs a bucket. Oh, dear. Clarissa has officially zoned out—she’s staring dreamily at Trey, probably daydreaming about his brief-less self. Brilliant, top-notch journalist, here, folks.]
Trey: Uh, do you have any more questions?
Huh? What? OH! Ahem, yes, of course. Gertie from downtown Fairla wants to know if you’re afraid of the Ravenflames.
Trey, clenching his jaw: Fear is your ultimate enemy, not the physical adversary.
But, do you worry about the strength of, say, King and Queen Zale?
Trey: They’re not the only ones with strength. Might serve them well to remember that.
Our next question comes from Cordy on the outskirts of Fairla. Trey, what is your favorite holiday and why?
Trey: Easy. Halloween. I like the hint of fear in the air. It makes me stronger.
Rumor has it, Christmas is Marina’s favorite time of year.
Trey: It is. She has a cynical side, but she loves the jolliest, happiest time of year better than anything else. What does that tell you? She’s a softy at heart.
Will she be mad at you for calling her a softy?
Trey: She’ll pretend to be. [laughing]
I honestly can’t wait to interview her!
Trey: Little tip…don’t try to outwit her. It won’t work.
Noted! Okay, next question comes from Vin, another Ravenflame! Oh…this is, uh, more of a statement than a question: Hope you know you and the Normals are going down. That Savior isn’t worth BLEEP. She couldn’t hold up to our King and Queen. Soon, all of you will be dying a slow, painful death. Hope you’re ready. Know I am.
Trey, smirking: Classy, dude.
Do you have a specific reply for Vin?
Trey, shrugging: I’m glad he’s ready. [smiling…wouldn’t want to test him]
Ooh, good answer. [Sigh] Anyway…next question comes from Janie. She lives near the Gulf Super Zoomway. Janie asks: Trey, do you like racing in your world? Do the other Normals like racing and who do they pull for? Who’s your favorite human driver, and would you ever race a mermobile?
Trey, grinning: Oh, I’m a big NASCAR fan, yeah. Never miss a race. Marina, Meikle, Polly, and my buddy Earl like racing.
And Earl is one of the Normals that left Saxet Shores, right?
Trey: So to speak, yeah. As far as who we pull for…Meikle is a Kasey Kahne fan—she has a crush on him. Earl was a die-hard Tony Stewart fan. And Polly is in love with Kyle Busch, no joke. If she ever got near the guy…he better jump in the car and drive faster than he ever has before, I swear.
My favorite driver is Dale Earnhardt Jr., same as Marina. And, yeah, I’d kill to race a mermobile, are you kidding?! [laughs]
Do you think you could beat Troy Tombolo or Kyle Zale? They’re our top drivers.
Trey, laughing: Hell, I don’t know. I’d give it my best.
Shall we move to our last question? [Trey nods. Duh, Clarissa…just ask the question] Ass.
Trey: Sandblastwriter again?
[Clarissa rolls her eyes and nods] Okay, our last question comes from—oh—Katrina Zale!
Trey: Oh mother[EXPLETIVE]! Let’s have it.
Katrina asks…would you swim with me? [Clarissa’s wide eyes alarm me, not gonna lie]
Trey: That’s her question?
Trey, eyebrows raised: I don’t think ‘no’ is a strong enough word.
Trey, it's been a pleasure.
Next up on our interview list is Ophelia Fountains! Let's hope she doesn't faint during our interview!